I should snap out of it. I am ‘letting it‘ control me. I need to think positive thoughts. I’m looking for someone to blame for my mental health, I should take responsibility. I need to start changing myself. I am disrespectful. I am selfish. I am self-obsessed. I don’t want to help myself. I should try harder. I should do more. I should concentrate more on getting better. I need to change what is making me unhappy. I push people away. I cause stress. I am an attention seeker. People don’t need my negative shit. I’m lazy.
These are just some of the criticising and stigmatizing, judgemental things that are thrown in my face, often, by family members, and some (now, ex) friends.
There is a quote that sums this post up:
‘Just because you cannot see my broken parts does not mean that they are not there!’
I will go through the above judgements one by one:
I should snap out of it… Anyone who reads, or knows anything about BPD/ C-PTSD/ Abandonment PTSD, or that suffers them, know that there is not going to be any ‘snapping out of it’. The brain is altered in damaging ways as it developed and grew. My developing brain was not my choice. And now I have to work hard developing my own, new cognitive processes, to ‘fix’ my wiring. If I could snap out of it, believe me, I would! But, I dunno, I sure would miss the paranoia, the anxiety, the fear, the hyper-vigilance, the depression. All those days of not getting out of bed until I have sore legs, not feeling the sun, not eating, not sleeping, not washing, not being able to stop the negative thoughts and the negative urges – ways to stop the pain. Red eyes that are sore from crying… Geez i’d really miss those days. I should snap out of it already huh! Well, instead of ‘snapping out of it’, I am, and have been taking control of my mental health since the end of 2015.
Unfortunately though, my GP didn’t take me seriously until June 2016.
And worse still, the mental health team didn’t take me seriously until April 2017.
I’d been literally begging for help since March 2016.
Only recently have the mental health team referred me for any therapies. 13 months since my first appointment. (My first mental health assessment)
I am ‘letting it’ control me… OK, this is perhaps the most ignorant / arrogant. I’d be lying if i said it wasn’t a battle at times to stay in control, to push the negative away. It’s not a choice that I make to battle my own mind and be overwhelmed. When I am losing the battle, what I need is for people to blame me… Yes that <i<definitely, helps!
I need to think positive thoughts. Riiiiiiiiight.
Get severely depressed, and then come back to me and say that. Didn’t think so! Those positive thoughts just fuck right off don’t they?! SHOCKER.
I’m looking to blame someone for my mental health, I need to take responsibility… Well, my mental health is a the result of childhood neglect and abuse.
My mother left I was 6 years old, and I subsequently saw her 8 days a month until I was 15/16. That was the order of the Family Court.
Then when I decided to live with my mother age 15/16, my father abandoned me because of that.
I have abandonment issues, anxiety issues, reoccurring depression, personality development problems, plus more, due to the childhood emotional neglect and abuse, and parental alienation techniques employed by my father. Add that with the subsequent shallow emotional connection that I have with my mother, and the absolutely state of the world that I find myself in… There is definitely some blame to be taken somewhere. Am i to blame for my poor mental health? No. Am i taking responsibly for my poor mental health? Yes.
I was diagnosed 9 months ago. It was a shock, but I kinda knew it was coming. I had silently and at times not so silently battled mental illness since my teens. But still, getting the diagnosis understandably sent me on a bit of an emotional roller-coaster. I have done a lot of research into mental health to gain a better understanding. I’ve tried a few different medicines, which I stopped for various health reasons and other implications like being drowsy, and so on. I have requested DBT or CBT. I have requested psychotherapy. I have requested MRI scans. I have requested a CPN, twice. I have even requested a daycare inpatient hospitalization for intensive treatment (so that I may get a grip on my illnesses and pick up where I left off before I had my emotional breakdown 3 years ago). None of which have transpired. I keep asking. I go to my doctors appointments, except the 2 that I missed due to agoraphobia.
Is this not me taking responsibility for my own health?
SMALL STEPS MAKE BIG CHANGES
I need to start changing myself… Yes, everyone needs to change something about themselves. Or a few things. I wonder how much the perpetrator of this sentence is doing to change themselves for the better. Quitting being a judgmental c*nt would be a great start. Nobody sees me studying at home. Nobody sees me bettering myself. Nobody sees me researching my illnesses. Nobody sees me studying The DBT Workbook. Nobody sees me making changes. But (almost) everyone judges… Helpful.
I am disrespectful… Yes I am in the face of judgemental c*nts. What I have found is that most people do not seek to understand, or really listen. So now, I show people the same respect they show me. Once that respect is lost it is often difficult to regain.
I am selfish… I have been, I cannot lie. I am human. But I am working on it. For people to say that I am selfish due to my illness is completely out of order. Ignorance or arrogance, I don’t know.
I am self-obsessed. At times yes… (working on that too) … But actually, no. My illnesses, my frustrations, my efforts to try to make people understand me do not make me self-obsessed. I try to speak to people, they shut down not wanting to accept their own part that they have played. Ah it drives me mad. I just want people to understand and communicate. 2 of the most difficult things, apparently.
It is not a choice to become engulfed in depression or any other actions and behaviours that my mental health issues cause me. I was only diagnosed 9 months ago. I’m getting my head around it. Sorry for the inconvenience.
I don’t want to help myself. I should try harder. I should do more. Concentrate on getting better… All of these things I do. Most of the time I am good at helping myself. Other times, I am not. That is the nature of mental health. It is a progression. Sometimes yes, a regression. That again, is the nature of mental health. Every person is different.
Years of damaging coping mechanisms are not quite so easy to shake off, especially without any therapy. But I am getting there.
When I am feeling very low or anxious, small achievements are sometimes all that I can manage. Eating, sleeping, washing, basic self-care: these themselves are my daily achievements when i am feeling bad. And people tell me I should try harder, do more, concentrate on getting better? Like what else am I doing? Concentrating on getting worse? Trust me, when you’re battling these kind of inner demons, the only thing you can try to do is concentrate on getting better. Because the alternative… No.
I need to change what is making me unhappy… OK, new brain please. Actually, even better, rewind time, new childhood please. In fact, fuck it, stop the world, i’ll just get off. Hmmm not quite so simple, is it?! Guess I’ll continue on my journey then. Thanks for the advice.
I push people away… Yes I do. But most of the time, they deserve it. I have standards. Sometimes they don’t deserve it. I’ve given out many apologies. More to come, no doubt. Paranoia also causes me to push people away. And paranoia is not so easy to spot when you’re paranoid! Funnily enough.
I cause stress… Yes I do. But not out of thin air. I stand up for myself and call a spade a spade. People don’t like that. It makes them address their own issues. And nobody else has issues. Only I do. So don’t start causing drama. AGAIN!
I am an attention seeker… This used to be the worst one for me. But then I learned to recognise that people only say it because they do not understand mental health. Their little brain cannot compute something so complex, so they dismiss it. Bless. Or, a more probable explanation is that they have been conditioned to think like that. There is so much stigma surrounding mental health, even when I got my diagnosis I noticed that I was stigmatising myself! That was another reason why I have found it difficult coming to terms with my conditions.
People don’t need my negative shit… Well, good. Because I do not need their pointy fingers…Unless they’re coming to give me a hug. If not, they can piss off.
I’m lazy. When I can’t get out of bed in the morning because I’ve had insomnia and no sleep for a week… Or suffering the debilitating effects of depression or anxiety… or drowsy as fuck from the new tablets I’d been given to try… Yep, lazy.
Another good one that I hear from people is: I actually have to go to work, I don’t just sit around on my arse all day.
Before I had the major depression / breakdown, I was working around 28 hours a week in a pub, I was the morning cleaner and barmaid, training to be assistant manager. I was also studying Audio Production HND, and living with my daughter as a single mother. I was enjoying it. But unfortunately, I have a mental health condition that affects my life, e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y.
Some people are so ignorant, they are even ignorant of their own ignorance.
You cannot help these people. But you can help yourself by removing them from your life. If they refuse to acknowledge your serious mental health issues and continue to blame you, even after you have tried to reach out to them (many times) and even teach them, show them the error of their ways… then, there is a good chance that these people, are in fact, Judgemental C*nts.
Then again, if they change their judgemental ways, seek to understand you and hold out their hand – take it. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s how we rectify them that matters the most.
Rethink mental health. Stop the stigma.