Every now and then, usually after a huge disappointment or ‘low’ period, I have a period of ‘wanting to be loved’. I start looking for love in all of the wrong places. I am vulnerable at these moments. I make rushed decisions, fall in love with the wrong people and get attached to them too quickly.
I can see that now. Noted.
Yeah, I am going through that phase now. Idea’s of joining chat sites… meeting someone. Someone to … what? Love?… Do I want someone to love? What am I even looking for?! Someone to listen? Some comfort? Some understanding? Is it an attempt to reinvent myself? Is it a distraction? Do I need validation?
I don’t know.
Whatever it is, it’s a bad idea. At least until I am in full recovery.
Am I just doing the human thing of wanting companionship? But how long until I get bored? How long until I get hurt?
Maybe I’ll just get another cat… cat scratches heal quicker than broken hearts and bruised egos.
I’m craving closeness. I’m aware of how this is making me feel. Kind of sad. Kind of hopeless. Kind of guarded. Kind of impulsive.
I’ll probably just start another project. Cats are expensive.
Is it weird to make a boyfriend out of pillows and stash him in the wardrobe until I need him? At least my pillow boyfriend won’t lie to me, gaslight me and call me crazy. He will never make me feel bad. Could be on to something…
‘first, love thyself’