Shitty Friends

I have had my fair share of shitty friends. More than my fair share.

I always try to see the best in people, and even when people are shitty I believe their heart must be inherently good. Why? Because they’re human. In essence we are tribal, we love community, we love to share experiences. But with some people, no they don’t like to share. Sure they like their fair share, or more than. But would they share theirs? Reluctantly yes, maybe. Or if there is something in it for themselves, sure!

Yep, those kind of shitty friends.

Had too many of them. Shitty friends effect me greatly. I get very upset when I am treated badly by people. Sometimes, depending on the depth of the relationship, it even sends me into Crisis Mode. Shitty friends, shitty boyfriends. We’ll stick with friends for now.

I have lost five of what I thought were my close friends in the past 6 months.

We all have it in us, to be a shitty human being. Some people bring out the shitty side of people when an opportunity arises. This is Shitty Friend 1. He is an opportunist. Which is all good, if it is used in the right way. Unfortunately he is also very selfish.

We had what I thought was a good relationship for a while, me and Friend 1. I wonder though, if I was not spending all of my spare money at that time on clubbing, booze and what not, how often would I have seen him???

That friendship ended because I spoke badly to his ex-partner, mother of his daughter. Friend 1 didn’t like it. The ex-partner was not allowing him to bring his daughter over to stay at mine, or play with my girl. I wanted to know why. Friend 1 was not going to find out and tell me the truth or he already knew the truth and was lying to me.

Why did Friend 1 not speak to his ex-partner about the issues? Why did Friend 1 not get us together to talk? It was effecting our weekend plans, and the children’s relationship, and ours. He did not want to get his own hands dirty. He did not want to rock his merry little boat. I don’t need friends like that. No one wants to rock their merry little boat, but sometimes, boats get rocked. Deal with it.

Unfortunately Friend 1 was too busy slagging me off to other people and I didn’t hear from him again. Funnily enough though, he is now hanging with all people that he used to slag off to me, Ha!

Friend 1’s ex-partner and I ended up having a drink together and a chat about it all in the end. We both made our point, chatted and that was that. Done.

Friend 1 made me feel worthless, inadequate, not worth fighting for. He has acted very selfishly. Won’t even speak to me. He refused to speak to me, but spoke about me to everyone else. Stonewalling. Not really a friend after all.

Shitty Friend 2.

Friend turned lover, turned friend, turned lover, turned friend.

I have known Friend 2 Since the first year of Secondary School. We became good friends, quickly. After school, when I was around 19 years old, Friend 2 and I became lovers. It lasted for a couple of years. It ended badly and it ruined our friendship. We didn’t see each other for years afterwards. Until around 5 years ago when we met up again. The connection was still there and we became friends with benefits! Which was OK… Then we put a stop to that. But occasionally, we would have the odd night together.

Strange, friendships like that huh. Turns out, they don’t work out so well. Who knew?!! (Jeez)

So we were friends, close friends again.

In the beginning of 2016 I got romantically involved with someone (the liar) and so Friend 2 and I didn’t see so much of each other for a while as that romantic relationship began. And then we got close again. I left the liar at the end of 2016. Friend 2 told me he was feeling depressed. I was there for him. I was also not feeling great after the split with liar, and he was there for me too. As friends.

Except, Friend 2 had feelings for me. I didn’t know this at the time.

I really opened up to Friend 2 about my mental health, abandonment issues and depression. We became very close again, like we were in school.

At the beginning of 2017, Friend 2 told me about his feelings for me. We were both adults, we spoke about it and talked it out. I told him that I did not feel the same way and I was not willing to put our friendship at risk again, we were better off as friends. He reluctantly agreed.

I started seeing someone in the February. I didn’t tell Friend 2 as I was waiting first to see how the relationship progresses and if it was worth upsetting my friend about it. Friend 2 found out. What did he do? Abandon me. After I just told him about my abandonment issues. He blocked me on all social media, did not return my calls or texts or emails. He did not contact me for 3 months, until his other friendships broke down. I don’t need his ‘friendship’ now. I don’t need friendships that come with terms, as also with Friend 1.

Friend 2 made me feel used, neglected, abandoned and worthless.

I can understand why he had to give us some space. I don’t understand why he did not communicate with me at all. I lost my (what I thought was a) best friend.

Friend 2 as it turns out is pretty selfish too. Gutted about that one.

Shitty Friend’s 3 (male) and 4 (female) are in a relationship together. Or at least they were. I had known Friend 3 since I was around 15 years old. I had known Friend 4 for about 10 years.

They helped me when I was going through the great depression of 2015. But looking back it feels that they probably helped because of what they were getting out of me.

Every week they would spend all of their money on weed and alcohol, and then not have enough left to even feed their children properly. I was constantly lending them a bit of money, buying their kids food, letting them use my phone, giving them tobacco.

They did come and help me with decorating my lounge and sorting out my garden, and they were there to listen to my moaning and depressing subjects. They also helped me with doctors appointments and getting my household bills back in check, get organised. I cannot deny that they were there for me. But they also encouraged me to drink too much alcohol. And when I am in those states, I am vulnerable to that kind of persuasion. It’s no good for me.

As a thank you for all of their support and help, I took them for a Spa weekend. Well, it was one hotel night, dinner and spa treatments. I was grateful to them. I took my sister as well. Where is she now? Wishy Washy love from her that comes with terms.

Recently, I have really been struggling with money. Friend 3 & 4 knew this. Friend 4 came into some money, £8,000. Did she help? Did she fuck. I didn’t outright ask for help, but I made it clear that I could have done with some help. She made a half gesture that I could tell was not sincere and only given because she was on the spot. I declined due to those reasons. If it were a true gesture she would not have accepted my decline so quickly… I even just gave them my daughter’s cabin bed as they needed a new bed for their son and my daughter wanted a new bed. That cabin bed cost me £250 last year. I didn’t want any money for it, only a set of drawers as my daughter would be losing storage space. I actually pretty much had to have an argument with Friend 4 about buying the chest of drawers. My daughter’s belongings were all over her bedroom, as she had no storage. I waited 2 weeks, still no drawers so I asked them to sort it out, ASAP. Friend 4 even said to me “I don’t see how it’s become MY problem to get your daughter a chest of drawers.” … She even turned around and said that I was being out-of-order… Really!

Opportunistic, Selfish and Self-Centred. I just don’t need people like that in my life.

I am willing to forgive people’s misgivings, if they are willing to accept them first themselves.

Friend 5 is a strange situation. I have known Friend 5 since I was 7 years old. We actually stopped speaking at the end of January 2016. Why? Well…

It was Friend 5’s birthday, January. She was very drunk. I at this time in January of 2016 was feeling depressed. I told Friend 5 about this. She listened and advised, she was good at that. She was also going through her own problems which I also listened to and advised her on. Her birthday, she was very drunk. She stayed over. She would not leave me alone in my bed. Touching me, tugging at my clothes trying to grope me. If she was a man it would be seen straight away as completely unacceptable. I asked her to stop, she would not stop. After about an hour I told her she would have to leave. She did. She got out of bed and left, in her pyjamas. That was the last time I saw her.

I dunno what that was about, but she completely denies it and blames me. She refuses to believe my interpretation of events. I tried to speak to her but she just denied it all. She has not bothered to contact me again. I won’t be bothering to contact her again.

A friend that I have known since I was 7 years old has not bothered to contact me again because she cannot take responsibility for her own actions and apologise.

Shocking really. But people would rather stop speaking to someone than have to take responsibility for their own actions, and apologise.

I have actually tried to speak to all of the friends above about the issues I have. They have known when I have been upset with them. They chose not to speak to me about the issues. People don’t like confrontation. People do not like to admit their faults. People do not like to make admissions. How can any truthful dialogue even be explored without confronting issues and making admissions???

Just goes to show that you can never know someone’s true intentions or nature until it is put to the test.

What is that saying? Piss someone off or test someone and then you will know where you stand with them. Something to that effect. True that.

I hope that I have learnt from these lessons. What do I think I’ve learnt from these lessons? hmm, not to trust people so much, not to help people so much, not to tell people my deepest and share my emotions… What shitty fucking lessons.

Shitty lessons from shitty friends.

Of course I don’t really believe that I have taken those lessons from those friends because I still see the beauty in human beings. I still believe that people are inherently good. People just made bad decisions. And people are stubborn. And people are selfish. But people can change.

The lessons I have learnt – I am now more careful about who I invest my time and emotions into. I do not let people stay in my life longer than they deserve to.

……….

I can be a shitty human too. I am shitty to people who do me wrong. But I never use someone for what I can get out of them, or pick someone up because I have nothing better to do, etc. I practise integrity, kindness, selflessness and loyalty.

I certainly do not want to be the cause of anyone’s suffering. I’m not perfect though. I hate to lose friends, especially ones that I have known such a long time. But I can always make new friends. I realise now that it is the connection that I have a tough time breaking and then recovering from. Not necessarily the people.

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……….

 

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