29/06/17: Your Mother Doesn’t Want You

June 29th 2017.

Today I am feeling very emotional. Been having flashbacks, and not dealing with them very well.

I’ve been on the lost path today. You know the one. Who am I? Why? Will I ever change? Will I ever have a meaningful love relationship? … All those kind of questions.

I’ve been wondering how long it will take to ‘fix’ me. Can I be fixed? I’ve been thinking, how on earth am I supposed to function in the world whilst I am this emotional?

I really want to get back to work, but I am absolutely petrified of going back to work! Yes the anxiety is strong. I’m a barmaid. It’s what I do. It’s what I’ve done since I was 18 years old. I love it. I can tell people to fuck off and not get fired, its great. It suits me and my fiery personality. I’m not afraid of much, breaking up fights etc does not faze me. I’m more afraid of my own mind than I am of anyone else! This is why I am so resilient and probably why people can be intimidated by me. I don’t mean to be intimidating! It’s quite difficult to form new friendships sometimes because of this. My friends that truly get me are of the same calibre.

There have been a few times when I have wanted to own my own pub. I wouldn’t mind owning my own pub. But my brain goes: you want all that responsibility? You’ll be tied down! and then my heart goes: fuck that. 

This has been an issue with me and career choices. I don’t want to be tied to anything. Because I want to be able to up and leave when I choose. On the contrary, I want to buy my house so that I have somewhere to come back to!

Am I a walking bag of contradictions? Probably. I am indecisive… with some things. Most things? Possibly. HA! I can’t even make my mind up about this sentence can I. Jeez grant me a break.

Today, flashbacks.

I’ve been thinking about the impact that my father has had on my life. My jobs, my studies, my relationships, my parenting. I can honestly say that the only positive I can think to take from all of that is the fact that he taught me how NOT to treat my own child. I have so much patience and compassion with my own child. Something he and the mega bitch did not show me.

When my mother first left, I remember that I kept asking him and saying to my father “Can I go and live with my mum? When can I go and live with mum?”

He would say things to me like “Your mother is too busy with her fancy man to have you living there getting in her way… Your mother doesn’t want you does she or she wouldn’t have left you with me.”

My father was, probably still is a manipulative liar. He used to get so angry when I spoke about my mother and how much I missed her. His words, bitter. “It’s not my fault” – I used to think… “I just want my mum”.

I don’t recall if I ever believed what he was saying. In the early days I think I did. I remember feeling sadness and disappointment when he said those things. I can’t remember how old I was when I stopped asking. In the end (to shut me up) he said that I could choose who to live with when I was 16 years old.

When I left his house he said to me “Go on then, live with your mother. You’ll end up pregnant at 16 and working in Tesco for the rest of your life!”

I didn’t believe his bitter words then, and I don’t now… but they’re still there, ingrained onto my memory.

I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough. I’ll let them down. I’m a failure. I am weak. I am unlovable. I am not worthy of love. I am not worthy of fighting for. I am wrong. I say the wrong things, I upset people. It’s my fault… Just some flashbacks I am feeling today. Acknowledging it here and writing about it is helping. I’m not crying anymore after spending the last two hours fighting the tears.

But still the pain remains. And the questions remain… Am I worthy? Is it all my fault? It’s easy for someone to say to me yes you are worthy, no it’s not all your fault …but it’s not so easy for me to actually believe it. I’ll say I do, but on the inside I am – preoccupied.

I hope that therapy will help with these issues. I never lose hope, even in the face of the darkest depression, I never quite lost hope. It was hanging on by a thread, but it was still on that thread. Dangling around somewhere.

Yesterday, my occupational therapist told me that a good relaxing technique for me to do would be adult colouring books. I tried this last night. It was not relaxing for me. I went out of the lines once and in my head, that’s the whole picture ruined! Not even going to go back to that picture now, because the whole time I will be looking at the part where I jogged (cat’s fault btw – not my fault woo) out of the lines and it will piss me off and I will be thinking the whole time, this is pointless because it’s already ruined.

Perfectionist? Me?? … It’s funny because if you look around my house, my drawers etc, I am the messiest person. But I am a perfectionist in the most peculiar ways. But hey, I never said I made sense! And do I have to make sense? Not really. I am a human, not a system.

This is probably why I like producing music and writing on a computer. I can be creative and use my brain in logical ways… and any errors can be instantly corrected. Yay. I have noticed actually that when I am writing using paper and ink, if I make too many mistakes I throw the whole thing away and start again. Page after page after page. Tip-ex will just annoy me being on the page, out-of-place, standing out, not the same white as the page, highlighting my errors (I do that enough myself thanks).

If only we had a brain tip-ex huh… That’d be handy.

I’ve been trying the Thought Stopping and Thought Swapping techniques that I read about yesterday. Mindfulness doesn’t really work for me. My brain sometimes seems to play on a loop… maybe I am not practising these techniques correctly. I won’t give up on them just yet.

I am beginning a new relaxation class on Tuesday next week, so hopefully with some guidance I will learn some more 🙂

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